Saturday, 15 February 2014

Chapter 5th.

This pain was smaller than the one that I felt in my heart and who asked me to James and Harry. I sat on the floor leaning against the bed. Blood trickled down to me after the hand. I got up and took a photo album. I took all the pictures related to One Step. I sat with them in place. I lay on the floor of a shard of glass. I started to rip all the photos. They were in the blood. My blood. All photos were date. Tearing and crying. I didnt feel the pain associated with wounds on my hands. When all the images lay in pieces on the floor, I picked up a shard of glass and started to perform cuts on my left hand, and then did the same with the right. Each wound is month to meet with James. Blood flowed all over my hands. Running down my legs, on which I had based hands. Red liquid soiled my pants and the floor around me. Every cut I wanted to ease the psychic pain. It was worse than the physical pain. At the same time entered the room my mom. Seeing what I was doing, she shouted:
- God, Jess!
I looked at her, crying. My mom grabbed the shirt of James lying on the bed. She began her rip and wrap my hands to stop the bleeding. Seeing what he was doing shouted:
- Leave it! This t-shirt of James!
- Stop it! He doesnt exist! He's gone - she said wrapping my arms. James shreds shirts were covered in blood.
I sat on the floor with my hands wrapped in James's t-shirt. Although the t-shirt is no longer resembled. These were only shreds the material covered in blood.
My mom went to the bathroom after the first aid kit. After a while she came back. I didnt feel physical pain. Psychic pain was killing me. T-shirt was the only thing that was given to me after James. Now there was nothing. I hate my mother for what she did. She doesnt even know how much this t-shirt meant for me. She unwrapped my hands, disinfected wounds that were not as deep as it might seem and made a bandage dressings. I saw the tears down her cheek. I wanted to scream that she left me, but I couldnt. When the dress over my hands lay on the bed. Mother stroked my head. I grabbed her hand, looked into her sad, teary eyes and whispered:
- I'm sorry.
She hugged me tightly, saying:
- He isnt worth your pain. He isnt worth anything. He hurt you.
- Dont talk about it. I still love him.
- You cant destroy my life by one boy.
- I havent life. Gone along with James.
- Dont say that. You have in front of you for many years.
At this point, my phone rang. I took it off the floor and looked at the display where the image blink Harry. I rejected the call.
- Why dont you answer? After all, you are friends - told my mom looked at my cell phone.
- We were friends. He deceived me. He knew about everything and hid from me. I no longer have friends.
- Dont talk nonsense. You have Angela, Alex.
- They belong to the One Step, and I dont want them to have nothing in common.
Harry didnt give up and still have been regularly struck.
- I think you should pick up and talk to him - she said. She gave me a kiss on the forehead and left.
I looked for a gift from Harry. I loved the two boys. Both of them cheated me. I picked up a ringing phone, saying:
- Don't call me anymore. I don't want you to know. I am for you, no longer exist.
- Jess, listen to me - he said in a pleading voice.
- No! Leave me alone!
- I love you. Give me a chance to explain everything.
- James also loved me. Or so he said.
- I'm not James!
- Both are alike! Both tricked me! Were playing with my mind! You dont even know what the friendship. Every friend always speaks the truth. You didnt tell her. 
- I'm sorry - Harry whispered, his voice breaking. I heard him sniff and then hung up. 
I turned to the side. I heard a knock on the door, but didnt even turned around. 
- Did you talk to Harry? - I heard my mother's voice.
- Yes. I said that he would never call me no. I dont want to see or hear him. 
My mother gave me tablets and water in a glass. I sat down and drank it all. Again, I lay down and closed my eyes. I felt like my mom covered me with a blanket and then leaves the room. I managed to fall asleep. The tablets worked.

Thursday, 13 February 2014

Chapter 4th.

I turned off the music. Now I wanted silence. I lay curled up and staring at the wall. A few months ago this place was a poster One Step, but after meeting the guys it took off, because I had them in real life.
Passed minutes and hours, and I still looked at one point. It reminded me that on the shelf in the dressing room is t-shirt he left James. Quickly I got up and went to the her. With t-shirt in hand returned to bed. I put my head on his shirt. I wanted to smell the boy. I could feel tears running down my steep and t-shirt. At one point I sighed and sat down. I looked around the room, which in every corner reminded me of James. After a few seconds, I went to the bathroom. I was hoping that taking a shower wash the self all the pain and suffering. However, the water didnt change anything. I went back to the room and lay down again, hugging T-shirt. I had no strength to cry. I heard a knock at the door. Dont be deceived, it's my James. Even I didnt react to the sound. After a while, my mom came into the room.
- Are you sleeping? - she asked.
I didnt answer anything.
- Why you threw dress? - Again I heard her question. - It was a gift from James.
- That's why I threw it - I muttered.
- What happened? Can we talk?
- James cast me - I said, and burst into tears.
My mother sat on the bed and hugged me. Not only resisted snuggled into her even more. Her clothing soaked with tears, and she stroked my hair.
At the same moment we heard the doorbell ring. Mom got up and went to open it. I heard back on top.
- You have a visitor - she told and then went downstairs.
I felt the heart beat faster. This time I deluded myself that it was James. I looked toward the door. Harry stood in the doorway with a big plush dog.
- Get out! I dont want to see you - I shouted, and eyes welled with tears again.
However, the boy went inside, closed the door and said:
- You can hate me, you can insult me, though I dont know why. But I didnt do anything to you. Do you remember? You wanted a little puppy. Shops are already closed so I bought that. I dont know whether it is a puppy, but it is sweet.
He put a stuffed animal on the bed. I looked at the gift, and then at the boy. I got up, walked to the window and cried. Harry walked up to me and hugged me, saying,
- This asshole doesn't deserve your love and not worth shed tears because of it.
I turned and looked at the boy.
- Do you know? But I love this asshole wildly. I love and hate.
At this moment we heard a knock and the door opened. My mom brought us juice and cake. Then, without a word went out, and I pulled away from Harry.
- I know, Jess, I know.
- You don't know.
- You don't know how much I know about the pain, suffering.
- What are you doing here? After all, you went to the family - I changed the subject.
- Yes, I went. But when I found out what happened and how you suffer, I couldnt stand on the site so I came today. Tomorrow morning I'm leaving. I promised my mother that I will spend those few days with them, but I'll be back. And before going on tour I'll come to you too.
- You know, Harry? This meeting today with you is our last meeting.
- Jess, what are you talking about? - Asked horrified.
- I completed my stage of life called "One Step". I want to close this chapter and never to return. You create unity. Looking at you I see James, and all shared moments with him.
- I don't want to associate you with the suffering that gave you James. I'm not like him.
- You're all the same - I said, walking over to the desk and taking a glass of juice. I handed it to Harry.
- You said that we will always be friends, that we can always count on each other. If you want, I can leave the band. I'll do it for you. I dont want to lose you. I want to always be near you.
- There isnt such thing as "forever." If there is I would still be with James. He also said that we ALWAYS be together.
- But I'm not James! After all, you promised me that we will still watch the stars as last time.
- But then I didnt know that it will roll up my life.
- Life goes on. Even without James. After all, you got me, Angela, Alex, Rose, Matt, Craig, Lewis.
- No, Harry. I no longer belong to your pack. Been able to live without me for so many years before we met, so now you can do just fine.
- No, I cant live without you.
- You'll have to, because my life has changed dramatically yesterday. Now my place will be Stella.
- Who? - He said with a chuckle juice.
- Stella. New girlfriend of James. Do you know her?
- No, I dont. But .... I should tell you this a long time ago. Do you remember how little dont beat James? How do you interrupted me, "James you ..."?
I listened to all this in silence. I learned about the message from Stella, which he read Harry.
- You couldnt tell me this before? - I cried. Eyes welled with tears again.
- I'm sorry.
- You're just like him! He only said "sorry"!
- James said that you wouldnt believe me. And he was right. You believed him. Even just laughed at me.
- Get out!
- Jess ...
- You lied to me! Hiding the truth! Did you have fun? I hate you! Disappear from my life forever as James! - Screaming, crying.
He wanted to hug me, but I pushed him away.
- Get out!
Harry bowed his head and walked out. I burst out crying even louder. Two people that I loved the most, lied to me. I hate them.
I finished my juice and threw a glass at the door. Shattered, and pieces of glass scattered across the floor. I took the biggest chunk and I turned it in his hand. I looked at his sharp edges that hurt my hand.

Saturday, 8 February 2014

Chapter 3rd.

I had no strength for anything. I would like to never wake up. I don't want to live. Again with eyes the tears began to flow. It had to be beautiful, romantic dinner, and what came out? So many of the plans so many hours spent together and the only thing I remember are the words "I love her more. Sorry." Why persuaded me that he loves me more than life? Why say that I'm the one he wants to spend the rest of his life? Why did all these plans for the future?
At that moment I heard the doorbell ring. I perked up from the bed. I was hoping that James came. That brought me roses and says he apologizes that he didn't love her. I ran downstairs and opened the door. Outside stood Angela and Alex. At the sight of them I cried. Girls without words cuddled me. We went inside and went to my room. They began to question what had happened. I couldn't utter a word. Looking at them before the eyes I had James. Many common hours spent our entire pack, and now I dont belong to this pack. I learned from them that they wanted to talk with the boy to find out what happened, but he isnt at home. I know where it is. I said with great pain:
- He's with Stella.
After these words, I started crying even harder. I felt that life escapes me.
- Do you know? I dont want to live. I want to die - saying this I looked at my outfit.
I was in a dress, which I wore for yesterday's dinner. It was wrinkled, had spots of ink and stains from tears. I pulled out of the closet and changed into a tracksuit. Dress hijacked and threw in the trash. The girls looked at me without saying anything. From hanger also took off my dress, which I got before the exam. Shared the fate of the first dresses. I pulled out of my neck chain and a bracelet from my hand. I read again the inscription engraved providing love and then I put everything on hand Angela and said:
- Give it to James.
- Jess, don't be silly - my cousin said, looking into my eyes.
- Dont fooling around. This is the end, and I want to close this chapter now. I don't want any souvenirs after him. It hurts. He now hugs another girl and is happy.
- But life doesn't end up on one guy - Alex whispered.
- For me it was over. I have to rethink my whole future. Do you know? Looking at you reminds me of all the moments that we spent with the guys. Forgive me, but I want to be alone.
- We don't leave you - I heard from Alex. - We are friends.
- When I look at you, even more I suffer. I hate James, I hate boys, I hate the whole One Step. And I wish you luck. I never believe any longer in love.
I stood at the window and started staring into space. It began to rain. The sky was crying just like me. Probably crying with my stupidity. How could I trust him? How could I allow him to be my whole life?
The girls cuddled me and went out. I put the album One Step to the player. I sat on the floor, pulled the legs to each other, embraced them with his hands, and launched a pilot equipment. When I heard the first song, my tears flowed. I couldnt think of what will happen next. In my head was like a hole. Like someone cleaned my part of the brain on James.
I switched on my favorite piece. I repeated this song all the time.
- I'm broken. Do you hear me? I'm blinded cause you are everything I see.
I repeated the words like a mantra. I said, crying. When I heard the words of James:

Would you lay down in my arms and rescue me? Cause we are the same. You save me.

I cried even more. I lay down on the bed, and curled. At one point I got up and took another CD shelves. This time Avril Lavigne. I couldn't hear any more One Step. These songs were killing me. With tears running down my cheeks with, I took the disc from the player and broke into small pieces. Everything, including packaging threw in the trash where they were dresses. I thought it would help alleviate my pain. Unfortunately, I was wrong. I put the disc Avril and switched to "Wish You Were Here". I lay down on the bed and listened to the words. In words that express what I feel right now.

I can be tough
I can be strong
But with you, it's not like that at all
There's a girl
That gives a shit
Behind this wall
You just walk throught it

And I remember all those crazy things you said
You left them running throught my head
You're always there
You're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here

All those crazy things we did
Didn't think about it just went with it
You're always there
You're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here

Damn, damn, damn
What I'd do to have you
Here, here, here
I wish you were here
Damn, damn, damn.
What I'd do to have you
Near, near, near

Each verse of this song add me even more pain, but still listened to it over and over again. I felt a great longing. I wanted so much to James hugged me and wiped my tears. I was so happy hugging him, falling asleep in his arms. Why happiness is always so short?

Chapter 2nd.

- Tell me what happened - I said in a loud voice.
- I ... I met someone.
- What?! - I asked incredulously.
- I met a girl. I met her a long time ago. I fell in love with her. You know ... I love her. It seems to me that .... I love her more than you. Today, it is understood. I can't hurt you anymore and cheat. It's over.
- You cast me? - I said. My voice cracking.
- I ... I don't know how to say it. I love you too, but I realized that she has that "something" that attracts me. I realized that I want to spend the rest life with her.
- This is the blonde girl, right?
- Yes. I love Stella. Now what I'm with her.
- What with our dinner?
- Dinner? Sorry.
- How could you? I loved you so much, and you what? - Raised my voice.
I hung up because I couldn't do more to squeeze out of each other. I paid for the wine and walked out of the restaurant. I cried even more. I looked at the ringing phone. Shown a picture of a smiling James. This view struck me even more. After all, I picked up saying:
- Leave me alone. Stella is better.
- Jess, I'm sorry - said the hearing in which I am able.
- Do you think that the word "sorry" change anything? Will ease my pain? You're wrong. I don't even know how much I hurt.
- I know how you feel. Sorry. I'm really sorry.
- What you asshole you know about my feelings now! Been my whole world. You used me. I hate you.
I hung up. I didn't want to go home in such a state, but also didn't want to walk around London catching the eyes of others. I headed to the park. It was the only place that came to mind. The river was too far away. Sitting on the bench is still crying. I couldnt hold back the tears. People who passed me looked at me, but they dont know about me. My world fell apart. At this time I wouldnt live. In my head I had one thought: Why did the car killed me? Even then would end my suffering. I couldnt get over what I heard, what happened. I sat on a bench and  still cried. I pulled the legs up to chin and wrapped her arms them. Soaked dress from James. It was already dirty black ink, which I had painted lashes. Still in my head I hummed the words boyfriend about the future and those that heard today.
I looked at my watch. Reached ten. My body was so exhausted that I had no strength to cry. I sat and stared straight ahead. I felt like a drug addict going through withdrawal narcotic.
I didn't see any future for themselves. I decided to go home. I got there in half an hour. I immediately went to each other. I cringed at the bed and at the same time my phone rang. I took it out of the bag. I was sure that James is calling to say that it was just a joke and he's sorry. The display was blinking picture of Harry. I rejected the call because I didn't want to talk to anyone. The boy didn't give up. For any time I picked.
- Why are you calling? You already know and want to comfort me? - I screamed. Then I started laughing hysterically.
- Jess, are you drunk?
- Stoned dreams that vanished like a soap bubble. Don't call me no more. You'll never call me. I stopped there for you. You'll never see me. I promise you that. Disappear from your world forever.
- Jess, what are you talking about? Tell me how it was for dinner.
- Fuck, what about dinner?! It was great. I was waiting for my love forty minutes, I drank a glass of wine, and later found out that my boyfriend loves another. Great, isn't it?
Again, I started to laugh. Laugh and cry.
- Jess, I don't understand. Tell me what happened.
- James cast me! - I said, her voice breaking. - He said that the more he loves Stella and with her ​​he wants to spend the rest of his life. She has that "something" as he said it.
Again I started to laugh. After a while I burst into tears and hung up. Harry called me but I didn't I received. It just made me nervous so I turned off the phone. I lay there and cried. I felt like life escapes me.
At one point I looked at the photos hanging above the desk. I was at them with James. I got up and broke up them. I started to tear them to pieces. I cried hysterically at the same time. After a while I went back to bed, and curled up. I lay and pondered on how my life will look like. What will be tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. I don't want tomorrow to get up with the thought that James loves another girl.
I turned on the phone. I had thirty missed calls and more messages. Everything was from Harry. I didn't read any text messages. I immediately had removed them. I didn't want any words of comfort. I opened my popup for writing messages and wrote to Angela.

James cast me. Don't ask. I have no strength to tell what happened. You're my friend why I am writing to you. I hope that Matt won't hurt you and will be happy for life.

I sent and I looked at the wallpaper on the phone that there was a photo of James. I went into the gallery and removed the pictures of his. I wanted to completely erase it from memory. Then I looked at watch. Was after midnight. I felt great fatigue and a terrible headache. I lay curled up staring at the wall. After a while I fell asleep. Woke me headache. I opened my eyes and brought back memories of yesterday. James left me. Automatically sought out the phone under the pillow to look at the wallpaper that was his picture. Amazingly, the wallpaper wasn't. There was blank screen. It reminded me that the night had removed all the photos. I deluded myself that it will be any news from him. There was nothing.

Monday, 3 February 2014

Chapter 1st.

I decided to go walking in my favorite place. The weather was beautiful. The sun was shining in the morning, and nature already fully buzzing. When I reached the river I sat down on the grass and I have been delighted to everything around me. Staring into the flowing water I began to remember the moments spent with my friends. These thoughts immediately smile on my face. But then I remembered my accident after James suspected that I had an affair with Craig. Tears came to my eyes, and suddenly all the good humor was broke. Then I could die and it's by James. I wouldn't be here now. There would be no dreams, happiness, joint plans and the great love. This would be only my grave. I wonder if James even once would bring flowers to the cemetery. Or maybe he just forgets about me? No, it's not possible. He always loved me, he loves me and will love. Every day he says that to me. I smiled. Anyway, everyone is happy. Unfortunately, that Harry isn't with Rose. But I know that one day he will meet a girl who would be his ideal and his princess. I know that he can make a girl happy so his girlfriend will be the happiest woman in the world. They will be as happy as I'm with James.
I looked at the sky. Flowing white clouds looked like they were smiling at me. I lay down on the grass and stared at what was above me. At one point the music in my headphones was drowned out by a different tune. I looked at the display. Called Harry. I smiled and picked up, saying:
- Hey, what's up?
- Hey. I missed you. What are you doing?
- Guess what.
- Do you think about me?
- Don't. Guess again.
- Fantasizing about me?
I started to laugh.
- Yet what?
- I don't know. Tell me what you're doing.
- I lie on the river and look at the sky.
- Are you with James?
- Don't. I'm alone.
- I'd be there with you.
- What a dream. I would like to have a puppy. What about you?
- I miss you.
- And besides nostalgia?
- I'm going shopping with my sister.
- So shopping spree? Say hi to her.
- Sure I greet. Thank you. And puppy ... will think.
- I was kidding with this puppy. My mom won't agree.
- I'll convince her. And do you have plans for today?
- In the evening I'll go to dinner with James. Already I can't wait. I'm so happy.
- Lucky him - he said. I barely heard him.
We talked for a while and then hung up. I got up and started to slowly come home. After reaching the place, I made dinner, as I arranged before with my mom. I still looked at watch. I wanted to have a night out. I can't wait to finally I'll wear a dress, which I got yesterday from my James
For dinner have been three hours. I finished making dinner and went to each other. I turned on the music and lay down on the bed. Once again, I was reading a favorite book. In this way time passed me quickly. At one point I looked at my watch. She passed eighteenth. I went to the bathroom to prepare for departure. I took a quick shower, and then I wore a dress and makeup done. We agreed with James that we'll meet at the restaurant, because he had to run some errands.
To bag I packed need trinkets and ordered a taxi. Twenty minutes later I was at the appointed place. I went inside and took a table ordered. James wasn't yet. But I wasn't surprised. Probably stuck in traffic or something and he dropped out late.
Nervously, I looked at my watch, because I wanted to finally see him and hug. I dont know how to stand so many months without him. However, there isnt other way. The tour will end soon and we'll be together again.
After fifteen minutes of his absence, I ordered a glass of wine. Drinking liquor every minute fear seized me. Maybe something happened to him? Maybe he had an accident? I took a cell phone and dialed his number. No answer. I tried again. Again caught me with his answering machine. I decided to wait a while. Maybe forgot to phone home, and is on the way.
It has been more than twenty minutes late. It's not like him. I took another sip of wine and I noticed that my hands begin to tremble. I had the worst thought. What if something really happened to him? No, no. I cant think like that. He was to appear immediately. He will come to the restaurant with a smile on his face, approached our table, kiss me, then will take place in front of me. I finished my wine to the end and reached for the phone. I looked at the display to watch. James was forty minutes late. I chose his number. Still caught me answering. I started to get nervous. I think the tenth time I chose so well known to me a string of digits. In the end, I heard the voice of my boyfriend, who said:
- Jess?
- James, where are you? After waiting for you all the time. I began to worry. What happened?
- Jess, I'm ...
- God, you had an accident? - Scared, and in the eyes stood with tears.
- No, I haven't had an accident. Everything's fine. I just ...
- What happened?
- I ... I dont know how to tell you this.

Hey, everyone! :3

I'm Emma and I'm polish... hmm... what? Blogger? Writer? I dont know. I just love writing!
Everybody needs somebody to love cuz love is everything!
I hope you will enjoy my story. If you read, please comment. Thanks :)

Emma xx